Why We Have To Face Death To Be Fully Alive

Mark Hyman, MD

Full Transcript

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Lauren Zander (00:00): If you are committed to making a difference in the world, it's a good time, because the list is real. Speaker 2 (00:06): Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that this episode contains some colorful language. So if you're listening with kids, you might want to save this episode for later. Dr. Mark Hyman (00:17): Hello, I'm doctor Mark Hyman. Welcome to the Doctor's Farmacy. And that's Farmacy with an F, F-A-R-M-A-C-Y. A place for conversations that matter. And if you care about the subject of death, which there's a lot going on right now, it's going to be worth a listen today. Because it's with my good friend, my best friend, and life coach, probably in that order, Lauren Zander. Who's the co-founder and chairwoman of the Handel Group. You might have seen her on some of my previous podcasts and Instagram lives. She's an extraordinary woman. She's the founder of, with her sister, the Handel Group, which is a corporate consulting and life coaching company. And this methodology called the Handel method is revolutionary. Dr. Mark Hyman (00:59): It's revolutionized my life, without it I don't think I'd be happy or healthy or sane. At least, I'd be still struggling more than I am now, I'm still struggling, but it's not as much struggling, so it's good. And she has, with her group, taught at over 35 universities and institutes around the world, including MIT, Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School system. She's the author tog an incredible book, which you must get, called maybe it's you: cut the crap, face your fears, and love your life. It's a no nonsense practical manual. It helps readers figure out not just what they want out of life, but how to actually get there, which is important. She spent the last 20 years coaching thousands of private and corporate clients, including me, and executives at Vogue, BASF, AOL, and she's also been featured as an expert in many, many publications including New York Times, [inaudible 00:01:55], Forbes, Women's Health, Dr. Oz, and many, many more. So welcome Lauren. Lauren Zander (02:00): Thank you. Hi. Dr. Mark Hyman (02:02): Hi. So listen, this is a really intense time right now, and a lot of people are scared, a lot of people are facing things that they don't usually have to face like death. Both the fear of death, death in their own families, in their communities. On top of all that we have the racial violence that's plundering our country, that is... also a lot of death going on in there. And one of the things you've really worked on is looking at how do we get straight with all the areas of our life that we need to get straight with in order to be happy. And you've talked about 12 areas, but you've come up with a new area called the 13th area, which is about- Lauren Zander (02:47): We always had the 13th area. Dr. Mark Hyman (02:49): Okay, well, it's something... it's maybe in my mind taken a little backseat to some of the other stuff you do, and I think, you're really now focused on how this area needs to be addressed by us in order to be engaged with life. So what are the first 12 areas, and then why are we adding death as the 13th area? Lauren Zander (03:10): So the 12 areas are all the areas you currently... you might not imagine them, and I suck at listing all 12, but I can- Dr. Mark Hyman (03:20): That's okay. Lauren Zander (03:21): ... if you want to hear... You want to watch? But these are the areas money, career, love, spirituality, community- Dr. Mark Hyman (03:29): Sex. Lauren Zander (03:29): ... health. That's in love. Because literally, I used to actually have 18 areas, but when I went to write the book, everyone was like, "No one will buy it if they understand there's that many areas of life." And so I scooshed, I scooshed a bunch of areas, but one of the... we always had the 13th area was death. And it was funny because it was the number 13, right? And so... but we... It just isn't one of the areas where someone even has to focus first and foremost to be happy in their life, but it's one of the areas that becomes critical as you get older or as you face someone getting older or as you face the truth about life or you have kids. Like the minute you start to really be a provider, you understand how much death really matters to everyone in your life. Dr. Mark Hyman (04:25): Yeah. As right now, we're seemingly focused on death more than ever. I mean, every year over 70 million people die from this or that, mostly chronic disease, but now we're seeing 100s of thousands around the world dying from COVID-19, and it's sort of catalyzed our focus on death in a new way. And it's made it more immediate and more real more scary. And I think people are suffering from the pandemic of fear, and what are they fearing? They're fearing death really. The reason people aren't going out, the reason people are staying home, the reason we are social distancing is to protect each other, but even in countries where they're opening up, people are aren't going out, which is striking. Dr. Mark Hyman (05:01): I was talking to a friend of mine in Germany, he said, "We're open, but people are terrified to go out." because there's still this pandemic of fear, which is probably linked to the fear of death. So we're talking about it, but is that enough? Lauren Zander (05:18): Not... Well, you know. If you know me at all you would go, "No." That's just the header. That's just the area, right? So I will think that... First of all, I think life is a privilege to be alive, and that happened because you deeply face all the areas of life. And what I have found is in order to help people really fix their relationships, resolves things they've never resolved, get right with your parents, get right... Death forces you to face you're never going to get to have that conversation again. You're never going to get to not tell that story. If there's something that needs to happen, death really forces you to go, "I better get it done before I'm not able to. And I better..." And then death also makes a person have to deal with what do I want to say? What's unresolved? Lauren Zander (06:17): So one of my favorite... and I taught this class at places that are into it like the JCC, right? Like there's places, and I- Dr. Mark Hyman (06:28): That's the Jewish Community Center. Lauren Zander (06:28): They're like, "Cool." And it was packed, but we... And it was all ages, but what... it was like really, if this was... if you knew you were going to die, what's not resolved today? And the make a list of people, list of actions, things you've never done in your life. Death makes you face life better. But that's a little heavy, and- Dr. Mark Hyman (06:51): That is kind of heavy. Lauren Zander (06:54): It's so heavy. And then also no one knows what they think happens really, really after death, and so when someone dies, the exploration of are they still with you? Are they still there? What is that light? What happens? Most people haven't read no books on that, haven't read... Some people are obsessed and love it, and then most of us just go into deer in headlights and got real things to deal with, so we go into denial. No one's walking around... Maybe now you might be, but mostly we don't walk around like we're ever going to die. Dr. Mark Hyman (07:35): Yeah, essentially- Lauren Zander (07:36): And it's build in. Dr. Mark Hyman (07:38): I don't know. I may be weird, because when I was in college, I was fascinated with death, and read about the Tibetan book of the dead, and then I actually read this book called death and dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who taught about the stages of dying, and I volunteered to be a hospice worker in college. And my first job was to be with this family. It was a Cornell physics professor who was dying of a brain tumor, and he was so much intact when I started with him. And just to watch him go down hill to not be able to walk, to not be able to talk, and to see what was going on with his family. It was like I was literally front row seats. I was the caregiver that would be there to relieve the wife or the kids so they could go do something or get out of the house. Dr. Mark Hyman (08:27): And it sort of put me face to face with death at a very young age in a way that most people haven't seen. And then as a doctor I've seen more death than most people, and facing it has been... it's sort of not so mysterious to me and been with many people who died and are dying. I mean, the most horrendous experience I had of death, which was really hard to cope with, which was Haiti, where there were 300,000 people that died. And it was in the 60 Minutes episode where I brought the reporters back to this morgue that was at the hospital where there was no room for any of the people, and it was hot, it was Haiti in January, so 80, 90 degrees and humid, and the bodies were just... hundreds of bodies just piled up in the, basically, parking lot, bloated and dying and rotting. Dr. Mark Hyman (09:13): So you couldn't avoid death, right? And so most of us don't have that up close and personal view of death, and we sort of try to bury it or pretend it doesn't exist. So we do it at hospitals, we do it in nursing homes, in our homes, and I think, it's just taking us away from the whole continuity of life. And people just died at home before, right? They didn't- Lauren Zander (09:35): Never mind, no one makes it special, right? It's not like birth. Birth gets birth plans and... right, everything around birth is like everyone wants to manage every minute and who's in that room... Birth gets so much attention, which we understand, but are you all so sure we shouldn't be giving the same kind of love and attention to the other transition. And are we- Dr. Mark Hyman (10:06): So we push aside all those thoughts, but why is it important not to push them aside? Lauren Zander (10:13): Because it's coming to within or near every last one of us. We don't know when our numbers are up, but we all know numbers are up. And the more you face everything... I mean, we like... So I teach this for real, and I've helped... I even have coached a aging mother who knew she was dying, I was coaching her son for years, and she knew she was going to die and was going into hospice, wrote the... We go them so resolved in everything they needed to say to the point where she designed my session with him after she died. Of what she wanted me to read him, what she wanted me to... And I still get chills and can get moved at their relationship, and I swear my chills and how moved I get, is I can still feel her. And to me I would want that for my children. I would want that with my parents. That they felt that present, secure, and allowed to go... Lauren Zander (11:23): The amount we could lean in on accepting death and designing death, or even... And then the amount... So I sat in that JCC class where I taught all about facing death and what would you do, and people were very happy to make the list of everything you've never done that you want to do before you die, and how serious that list is. Because if you go, "I'm 64, uh oh. Shit, I better get moving. I got... I need money for this." So most people... And I'm such a planner, like design and plan and fulfill, that getting people to dive into it versus be in denial is going to happen was a miracle for all of them and an act of love. And what they found is nothing was in order relationships were messy, money was a damn mess, and then conversations never had over time were also a damn mess. Lauren Zander (12:28): And so if they died today, they'd be devastated. They're not set up to die. And I don't need you to be set up to die, I need you to be able to die, because you're prepared for... that that, come on, comes with the packaging people. Dr. Mark Hyman (12:49): Amazing. Well, let's talk about how you coach clients around this and how maybe... give a specific example about somebody who you coached around the death of a parent or somebody that left who was older, the difference between being resolved and how to say good-bye and what all that's about. Lauren Zander (13:05): Wow. God, are these good questions, right? And then they're so good I could spend my life working on it. Dr. Mark Hyman (13:13): Okay. Well, we have an hour. Lauren Zander (13:17): I'm just saying. There's just... It's just... So the most important thing for me to teach people is to say everything, forgive everything, accept everything, resolve everything that's resolution. It's like people are set free. You've told all your lies, you've been forgiven, everybody knows everything, one could say, "You're not dying with your [saids 00:13:40]." You're not dying still angry about anything. You're forgiven, you're loved, and thank you for everything you did and didn't get to do, and everything you wished you got to do that you didn't get to do, and everything that you... everything that you wished for comes with you, leaves with you, and thank you. And that's... Lauren Zander (14:02): If you read what people most care about when they leave, is all the things they've never said, and how much love they've never expressed or apologies they've never gotten to say, or who they wish they would be forgiven by. So the emotional body of us, the amount we want love and acceptance and forgiveness... Yeah, it takes that obnoxious knock at the door, no you don't have... no there is no tomorrow for you, to make you realize the list of people you wish you could get resolved with, and so I make someone sit down and actually do the list. And then I make someone plan doing the list, so you don't need to die in order to be able to die. Dr. Mark Hyman (14:51): Yeah. Powerful. Lauren Zander (14:53): Right? And then I do parent letters. Dr. Mark Hyman (14:57): Yeah, you helped me when my mom died a few years ago. There was a lot of stuff that I sort of had still unresolved. I didn't finish it, but I definitely worked on what... still there. It was hard for me to do, it was hard to finish. Talk about, what is a parent letter, and why is it important, and how does it change them? Lauren Zander (15:17): I've never had a more... Like so there isn't a coach in my company that becomes a master coach that hasn't done their parent letter. And what happens when I do a parent letter is someone... I design everything you regret, everything you resented, everything you need to forgive, everything you want to apologize for, everything that was unsaid, everything that was never done that you wished was done, anything and everything. But not in the name of screw you, you owe me, you should have, but really this is what was happening for me throughout my life. This is what I wished, this is what I never said... It's really an apology that I didn't get all this shit done or said before you were dying or before... or right now, so that we can have a grown up relationship that is carrying our entire past with us. Lauren Zander (16:09): And so it is sacred to set your parent free and yourself free by stopping the narrative long enough to go, "I can reboot it. I can change it. I can deal with it. I can forgive it." And it is my opinion that it's the next generations job, it is the kids job, to help... to forgive that parent, to tell... It's okay your parents sucked, right? It's okay they didn't... What's your excuse? So it goes to the next generation should be better than the last generation. Of course, you expect the Apple phones to be better than the rotary, right? Dr. Mark Hyman (16:53): Yeah. Lauren Zander (16:53): And so people don't even know what rotary phones are anymore. Dr. Mark Hyman (16:55): I do. Lauren Zander (16:58): So it's our... I like to put the burden on the kids to resolve everything from their family line, and how I'd recommend you do that is you get free with your parent and you clean up all your lies, you ask all your questions, and you don't do it as an act of judgment, you do it as an act of love. Dr. Mark Hyman (17:19): Powerful. So one thing is facing somebody you loves death and the other is facing your own death, and you talk about things like the bucket list, and you talk about also something called the getting resolved list. So can you talk about how we do this process, because is not something people want to lean into usually. Lauren Zander (17:41): Right? That's because it's so... you've learned to bury it, you've learned to think you're okay with it, you've learned to accept... You think acceptance is, "Well, I'm fine with hating them. I've accepted, I will never forgive you." Does that sound like acceptance people? Dr. Mark Hyman (17:58): No. Lauren Zander (18:00): Because it shouldn't. Acceptance really is... That doesn't mean you have to be best friends with them, but you really can get their perceptions, their perspective, everything they experienced, everything you did, no more fighting, and set each other free. So there... It's actually pretty tricky, because humans instinctively only think the way they tell the story is the only way the story's told. And if you don't hear it the way I say it, if you don't agree with me, you're lying or you don't understand me or you don't feel my feelings. Rather than, oh, we will never... we're parallel, right? My experience, your experience if you really want to forgive each other, you'll accept mine, I'll accept yours, and they don't need to agree with each other. Lauren Zander (18:47): Now, that might sound simple. Like, "Oh." Ha, ha, ha. Have you ever got a human to listen equally to another? And go what you say, "you said it was blue, I said it was brown. Wow, I bet it was blue and I bet it was brown, that's amazing." Most people go, "Are you freaking [inaudible 00:19:10]? Okay." Dr. Mark Hyman (19:12): Yeah, it's not intuitive. Lauren Zander (19:13): So I am the right... So that's the main thing I change in human dynamics is the ability to love and listen without judging and needing them to agree. Dr. Mark Hyman (19:26): Yeah, I think the most profound experience with my dad when he died about a year and a half ago and... Parents were divorced when I was young, but he wasn't around much, and didn't really show up in the way particularly I would loved him to show up, and it's probably not a new story, it's been the story that's told thousands of times, millions and billions of times, probably, on the planet. And I think I never really understood what his experience was. And when he was like 79, I invited him to come to this men's group, this men's weekend, where it was sort of a men's work group. And we sat in the circle, inside the circle or like maybe 40 or 50 men witnessing this on a weekend. Dr. Mark Hyman (20:13): And they invited each of us to share our experiences of each other and what we needed and what was going on, and it was the first time I really got to say what I needed to say to him to feel complete, and it was the first time I heard him explain why he had the operating system that he had from his grandfather and his father, and what it was like for him as a little boy, and what he was missing, and what led to him having the beliefs he had. And he didn't change them- Lauren Zander (20:47): That's good. Dr. Mark Hyman (20:48): ... but I understood them, and I was able to go, "Okay, I get this is what happened." And it just allowed me to relax about it, and even though he really couldn't say, "I'm sorry," he couldn't really. It was like, it was okay, because I understood that... now I get why he was behaving that way and it wasn't because he was an asshole or trying to be mean or trying to not care for me. It was just... it was so powerful, and he died. And I remember being with him, we spent a bunch of days with him before he died at his house, and he was not somebody who could embrace death in any way. He fought it. He didn't like that it was coming. He knew it was coming, but he didn't like to talk about it. And just to be with him in that very peaceful state and just be there, it was really a beautiful experience, and I didn't have to make him different. I didn't have him to have to be different even at the end, you know? Lauren Zander (21:43): Mm-hmm (affirmative). Mm-hmm (affirmative). Dr. Mark Hyman (21:44): I [crosstalk 00:21:44] who he was, and he didn't change. But it was a really different experience of me, instead of having a feeling of lack or having him... be mad at him for not doing what he did or continuing the bad behavior. I was able to really just go, "Oh, this is his experience, this is his story and I understand it, and it's okay." And it left me feeling pretty complete with him. Lauren Zander (22:10): Yeah. Mostly if hating, resenting, judging, being offended, thinking you're superior, if any of those things actually worked, we would be such an amazing human race, right? Dr. Mark Hyman (22:27): Yeah, [inaudible 00:22:29]- Lauren Zander (22:29): Because we all... Love, acceptance, listen, allow, and make your own choices, and don't... It's like the Elvis Costello, what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding? It's like humans just don't... They think they are that, but they really don't give it. They want it. They don't give it. Dr. Mark Hyman (22:57): So with your work you help people get through that, right? You help people change that way of dealing with your life from being offended, victim, resenting, blaming, not owning... It's just a very different framework, so you actually become free. I mean, in a sense, I think that's part of the work of the Handel Group is helping people become free from the stories that keep them emotional, spiritually, and intellectually imprisoned. Lauren Zander (23:24): Yes. Dr. Mark Hyman (23:24): Did I get it? Lauren Zander (23:27): You are doing... And it's act of love, and it's an act of love. It's an act of knowing your soul. It's an act of fulfilling on your soul and all humans. And it's deep. It's upsetting. I do not think the ticket on to the planet is lucky every after. Like ticket on to the planet is, sorry everyone, if you don't like my cursing, is how are you fucked, and what did you do to get out of it, right? Dr. Mark Hyman (24:00): Yeah. Lauren Zander (24:01): It's a born trap that we keep defying the dark side, if we do. And then the only trick is that we don't get how dark dark is. We don't get not getting out of bed. We don't get another cocktail. We don't get [inaudible 00:24:19] people, that haven't totally embraced broccoli over a Dorito. Nobody wonders, would you rather have a Dorito? Like yummy. I know Doritos are [inaudible 00:24:33], but the broccoli- Dr. Mark Hyman (24:32): I wouldn't be at this point, but I get it. Lauren Zander (24:36): Me neither. I don't... Let's... chocolate chip cookie. Dr. Mark Hyman (24:38): Yeah, that I'd go for. That's my weakness. Lauren Zander (24:38): Chocolate chip cookie or steamed broccoli with a little olive oil and just a tiny bit of salt, which one fulfills on your life? This one fulfills on just right now, who cares, I love it, and this one holds court to the rest of your life and does the work. And then aren't we interesting animals, there isn't one of us that doesn't... and then feel sad that we don't get the cookie. And then that's the dilemma we're in about forgiveness, love, facing things we don't want to face, getting... doing the work to get happy is the broccoli. Sorry everybody, if it was the chocolate chip cookie, we'd all be rocking it. Speaker 2 (25:28): Hi, everyone. Hope you're enjoying the episode. Before we continue, we have a quick message from Dr. Dr. Mark Hyman about his new company Farmacy and their first product the 10 day reset. Dr. Mark Hyman (25:37): Hey, it's Dr. Hyman. Do you have FLC? What's FLC? It's when you feel like crap. It's a problem that so many people suffer from and often have no idea that it's not normal or that you can fix it. I mean, you know the feeling. It's when you're super sluggish, your digestions off, you can't think clearly, or you have brain fog, or you just feel run down. Can you relate? I know most people can. Dr. Mark Hyman (25:59): But the real question is what the heck do we do about it? Well, I hate to break the news, but there's no magic bullet. FLC isn't caused by one single thing, so there's not one single solution. However, there is a systems based approach. A way to tackle the multiple root factors that contribute to FLC, and I call that system the 10 day reset. Dr. Mark Hyman (26:19): The 10 day reset combines food, key lifestyle habits, and targeted supplements to address FLC straight on. It's a protocol that I've used with thousands of my community members to help them get their heath back on track. It's not a magic bullet. It's not a quick fix. It's a system that works. If you want to learn more and get your health back on track, click on the button below or visit getfarmacy.com. That's get farmacy with an F, F-A-R-M-A-C-Y.com. Speaker 2 (26:44): Now back to this week's episode. Dr. Mark Hyman (26:46): So let's talk to something that's really happening now, that we're all facing, which is this sort of struggle with the overwhelming challenges we're facing in 2020, which some of these things happen periodically, but so many things happening at once... It's like the 1918 pandemic of the Spanish Flu, it's the Great Depression, and it's the 1968 race riots all happening the same week. And it creates a sense of powerlessness, helplessness... I mean, I'm experiencing it. I'm experiencing, "God, what's happening to America?" I mean, I had dinner last night with a former senator and Secretary of State and we were talking about our standing in the world and how when he was Secretary of State he would go to different countries and tell them how they have to have integrity about this or that and they'd look at us like, "Really, who you kidding? You don't have your [crosstalk 00:27:49] crap together. When you get your you know what together maybe we can have a conversation, but..." Dr. Mark Hyman (27:56): How do we deal with our own sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and overwhelm. Because I think I was doing okay until this George Floyd thing happened, and it's exposed a lot of the annoying cracks in our society that were just about to blow open, but got exploded with what's happening? And it's not just here it's around the world. The divisiveness, the hatred, the racism, the conflict, and all of a sudden people around the world are protesting for understand, for love, for justice, for peace, for... It's like, whoa. And yeah, there's disruptive forces in it all, but there's an incredible outpouring of enough is enough, enough is enough. And yet as individuals I think a lot of us are feeling, "God, how do we navigate this? How do we emerge from this? How do we design our life?" It's one thing to talk about let's create your dreams and design your life, meanwhile, the worlds falling apart and what do you... how do you help people navigate this moment? I mean, that's ones question. Lauren Zander (29:09): No, I get... No, it's... I have the... I... The world... Everyone's paying attention right now, but the world was actually horrendous last November. There wasn't a lack of... That we're now aware of it and upset about it is a lot healthier than denial. And I was so messed up that Trump came after Obama, I thought we won the war- Dr. Mark Hyman (29:40): Yes. Lauren Zander (29:40): ... all wars. I was we get... I don't do politics but I would like a woman. We could get a gay woman president. It would knock out two at once. I am equality junkie. I'm like how can we get this done as fast as possible? And then what we found is that's not actually true for... That's really rocking in New York, but New York ain't everywhere, and so the allusion blew up, and then everyone has to actually face that we didn't fix what we wanted fixed, which then should get everybody up in arms. And I really do think if you meet my three kids and their relationship to caring about politics and what's happening versus me when I was in a messed up world in the 1970s like... nothing. Lauren Zander (30:37): So I really do pull out the Dalai Llama, human evolution is going to take thousands of years people. We... Oh, it's long time to deal with what's wrong with us. And so here we are in our privileged call it a 100 years we each get, which is a blink in time, but our chance to make a difference or... And so all I want to do the more the world is in distress is succeed at the lane I pick. I still just want people to write their parent letters. I still just want you to face your death. I still want you, as an individual, to deal with being present in your life and design your life. Lauren Zander (31:28): So I don't think anything changed. I think people are more conscious to things that are messed up on Earth and could mess you up personally. And I even think this entire COVID season has dropped people out of their heads of do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do to hearts of everyone just got slowed and everyone has to deal with are you okay at home? Do you even like your home? Do you like who you're with at home? How's home? Are you eating and drinking more? Or are you doing more? Are you out of work right now and what are you going to do about it? So I just still only care about the individual being true to themselves and realizing how great they are and I just want to kick your butt to get what you want right now, you need right now. And if you are committed to making a difference in the world, it's a good time, because the list is real. Dr. Mark Hyman (32:34): Yeah, that's true. That's true. It's- Lauren Zander (32:38): Did that help? Dr. Mark Hyman (32:38): It did. Yeah, I think people are trying to figure how do we take this moment and use it in the way that actually creates something good out of it, because it's a horrible moment in history, and I think each of us have the opportunity out of that crisis to create something good. I mean, in Chinese the character for crisis is actually comprised of two character or two ideograms. One is danger and the other is opportunity. So with danger comes also opportunity, and I think we can sort of succumb to the fear and negativity, or we can go, "Okay, how do I show up? How do I serve?" And I've seen this with whole George Floyd catastrophe and murder is that people are showing up, that people are expressing themselves, people are wanting to... white people are wanting like well, how am I a racist? I don't even understand, how does this work? And how do I learn about it and there's people actually trying to make a difference. Dr. Mark Hyman (33:32): And that's really helpful to me, even thought there's a lot of dark forces at work, I think there's a lot of people who are really... they're waking up, which really is great. And I think that's great. Lauren Zander (33:41): Yeah, I also say that the bad guys have no problem wanting power and control. It's the good guys that are totally not hording power, money, and control like we need to. Except I'm a... I teach people to tell the truth, face your lies, and deal with loving the work of yourself. Dr. Mark Hyman (34:04): Yeah, so let's talk about that. How do you begin to sort of build your life in a way that makes you feel fully alive and fulfilled to get your dreams if you don't love yourself? And how do you sort of come out of what's happening now where people have lost their jobs, when their lives are effected in all sorts of ways, when things have changed... dating, finding love, it's like they have virtual Tinder now. So people often were on a track and they felt like they had a vision, and now they feel like things are upside down and they can't get to where they want. So what do you say to those people? Lauren Zander (34:47): Pivot. Pivot. And what pivot means is that you're totally capable of rebooting a new plan and chasing a new plan at anytime. So you get divorced, it doesn't mean you're never going to have love again, really. You might not go looking for it, make sure you get yourself in a place where that's what you're going to look for and deal with it. But it isn't that... Anything is possible if you're willing to go for it and do the work. So if you... So that's number one, and I believe that. I don't care who you are, I don't care how many... I don't care what happen to your job, I will help you find another job, because anything... I really do believe everything is possible for an individual if they're willing to chase it and have enough conversations about it, honestly. Lauren Zander (35:32): Okay, so what really matters is you know what you want and you have the integrity to get it, and when I talk about integrity, I'm always talking about your actions. Now, the other thing that really drives people crazy, which I talk about way too much, is your inner dialogue. They way you talk to yourself. So if someone says, "I don't love myself." And I'm like, "No, the voice in your head's an asshole. No, your higher self is muzzled. Where is she? Where is he? What happened?" Let's get it... Nothing is true human. Nothing fact over there. No one's stuck forever. Nothing's true. Truth is something you believe and that's very fishy, because we... whoa. And so what I start to unravel is that your thoughts create your feelings, create your actions, all at basically- Dr. Mark Hyman (36:39): Instantly. Lauren Zander (36:39): ... at a... and you don't see the happening. But if you slow it all down and get conscious to what the voice in your head is saying you can take on one area of your life. And funny enough, I love people taking on food, because... especially on your diet, right? You're not hungry people. This is not a diet. This is not calorie... no calorie management. So this is just eat damn healthy and you won't be that hungry soon. Dr. Mark Hyman (37:11): That's true. Lauren Zander (37:12): Period. And so that's ideal to hear your inner dialogue chasing a dream chasing a cookie, chasing why you deserve it, chasing... You have to get to know yourself and what the voice is saying in any area, you're suffering or loathing or disappointed or feel depressed. Dr. Mark Hyman (37:33): Well, sometimes your inner dialogue you think is actually you, that's the problem. Lauren Zander (37:37): Yeah. Dr. Mark Hyman (37:37): It's like, there's no separation between the story you're telling yourself and what you actually think is true. So- Lauren Zander (37:43): You know that most people can't even tell they just said something to themselves. They're like, "Huh?" Dr. Mark Hyman (37:48): Right. So we've been working on something for me recently around my sleep, because my sleep gets disrupted, I travel 50% of the time, different beds here and there, and I have a whole story about it, and tell myself all this nonsense, and I finally came begging to you after trying this many times with you. And I was like, "I just, I need help." And when you- Lauren Zander (38:06): Well, no, no, no. It was even cooler, because your fantasy had a solution that if you ever stayed in one place, so it had a theory. You had a whole theory that it's all because of this, it's all because of this, it's all because of this, it's all... It's all because of these things- Dr. Mark Hyman (38:20): That's right. Lauren Zander (38:21): ... if I ever got home long enough and slept in my bed long enough, and my cute wife was over there long enough, it'd be good. Dr. Mark Hyman (38:27): Yeah, it's true. Lauren Zander (38:29): Yeah, no. Yeah, no. How about that? Dr. Mark Hyman (38:31): Yeah. Lauren Zander (38:31): So the voice is in a constant only if, only if... Yeah, but, yeah, but... It's crazy. Dr. Mark Hyman (38:39): Yeah, like last night I was like, "Oh, well..." I went out to a friend's place to dinner and had some wine, we stayed up really late, and I usually don't stay up that late. So I'm thinking, "Oh, the wine's going to make me not... Oh, if I stay up late, I have to get up early to get somewhere, so am I not going to sleep? And then I'm not going to fall asleep and if I wake up, am I going to fall back to sleep? And..." So I had this whole thing going on and that was just BS that if doesn't do anything even before I even went to sleep. And [crosstalk 00:39:10]- Lauren Zander (39:10): Okay. Dr. Mark Hyman (39:10): ... example of that inner dialogue. I'm like, "Oh, that's... shut up. That's..." It's like... So it's you have the ability to kind of recognize it and notice it and understand it's not true and it's just this voice that you need a different voice saying something else. So I just- Lauren Zander (39:23): Well, then I ask you to go... So what happens is I get you to trail your negative inner dialogue so at least you know who's, sorry, everyone, I like to curse, mani-fucking with your life. It's seeing the future and you don't sleep in it. It's seeing the future, you don't make money next month. You're seeing the future, you don't... It's negative. Over 80% of our thoughts are negative, so that's the work we have to do. And so once you start to hear the voice, huh?, then I tell you that's your lower self. "Hi." And your higher self gets to respond to your lower self, and I call it a talk back. Like, "Talk back to that voice." Like, HS, higher self, talk back to LS, lower self. And we... And I get... And then all of a sudden you start to get that the negative inner dialogue is genius because it tells you what you actually want to think. Lauren Zander (40:23): Your issue about sleep is likely not disappearing for your life Mark. So if people over eat, if people don't like to exercise, if people over drink, you will be signing up for that issue for the rest of your life people. I'm sorry. You've been signed up, you weren't at the gate, [inaudible 00:40:43], so get over it, get used to it, let's win. So then your lower self says something and you're like, "Shut up. Here's what I really think. I'll be so tired I'll sleep like a baby." So then you can have another belief, counters the lower belief. Dr. Mark Hyman (41:08): It's so powerful. I feel like I've sort of really broken it down. I knew it was work but I really didn't see how I was doing it to myself, because I had a really very convincing inner dialogue. And I think right now people are struggling and I think it's important the narrative story we tell ourselves. And I think it's powerful. And I think right now, we're shifting how we're doing things, we're shifting the way we're learning, and I think I just want to share with people that this is something that... it will change your life. If you focus on working with your mind in the way that Lauren is talking about, it's transformational. And it brings so much peace and happiness, even in the midst of chaos, which is what we're in now. And we all need that. And we're doing all these things online now, we're doing mu podcast online, which was never my intention. Dr. Mark Hyman (42:02): And you have this incredible coaching course called inner U, with a U like university. So it's like inner university, it's kind of a cool idea. And the tag line is inner U helps to learn to human better, which is great. We all want to be better humans and its gives people all kinds of tools to help them do the things we're talking about, right here in this podcast. To get unstuck, to get wildly happy, to get thriving where it matters the most in your relationship with yourself, top your career, to love, your body, money, time all that. So- Lauren Zander (42:36): And we give buddies. We give you a... So people can get... The most fun people are actually having- Dr. Mark Hyman (42:41): Tell us how it works. How's this course work? And what can I... And why can this work so well online? Lauren Zander (42:49): So it's 25 minute podcast talks, my best work, in modules, that comes with homework, examples, but it's all digitally there. You just click and you start to listen, and it takes you on a deep ride, and it has Elena Brower's reading her parent letter. It's like best in class stories, real people. I made it as good as I could make the content and as short as I could make it, so you get kind of punch right away and laughing and get it. And we're very self deprecating, we tell our own real stories. And then there's homework that you can do online and in a private inner U world that if you ever end up wanting a coach or you have a buddy or you want to post something or you want to just track your own private journal and journey, it's all right there. And then the work is all about you getting to know yourself. Lauren Zander (43:50): Now, what we do is we have Masterclasses. Do they cost you anything? No. You already paid once. Once you get in the door, you're good. If you ever want to hire a coach, that's an upsell. You don't need one, because we have Masterclasses. And we also give away... What we do is we have accountability buddies and so you can start to meet people from around the world. People are putting together their own groups. People... And then we all have a Zoom connection, because we do all our Masterclasses on Zoom. And we've been doing this for years people. And so it is work on yourselves, connect with people, talk about... And we have... We do... Everything's free once you're in the door, and- Dr. Mark Hyman (44:34): So how do you know if it's right for you? How do people know if it's something they should do? Lauren Zander (44:41): If you don't want to take a lot of new actions and deal with yourself, run. Dr. Mark Hyman (44:46): Which I actually did when I first met you, I ran. It took me like six or seven months to come back and let you in the door. [crosstalk 00:44:53] I don't want to deal, go away, [inaudible 00:44:57] ignore you. Lauren Zander (44:57): Right. So if you're not ready to face things, like you know you'd leave your husband if you really started to tell the truth, right? And you'd actually have to stop... and if you'd stop drinking, you would have to really leave your husband. So if you're in a terrible bind and you're not ready to tell the truth about it, we're the last thing you should do. But we should be the thing in your back pocket that when you're ready, we'll get you out of... we'll shift your life within a month. We start rocking from the minute you say, "Okay, I'm ready to tell the truth. I'm ready to change my life." This shit works, but you have to go, "I'm ready." And if you're not ready, you don't have to be ready. I'm not... I don't make people ready. That's my... I am not going to convince you, because this is really and deep. Dr. Mark Hyman (45:50): Yeah, it's true. It's true. Lauren Zander (45:51): Okay. Dr. Mark Hyman (45:52): It's true. And I did run, and it was because I didn't want to leave my wife and I needed to, and I finally got out of that. But [inaudible 00:46:00], so this is actually an incredible course. Because I've worked closely with Lauren for years and it's a privilege, but not everybody can do it, it's expensive and it's worth it, for sure, and I do refer people to her. But this is scalable, and this... the humanity needs this. And I would say, how do you know if this is the right program for you, I would say, just ask yourself this one question, are you human? And if the answer's, yes, I think it's the right course for you. Lauren Zander (46:24): Yeah, and just so you know people, if you don't like it, we are the people who give you your money back. We respond to a complaint, like, "You want your money back?" We're those people. We really are those people. Not maybe. Not maybe. I expect- Dr. Mark Hyman (46:38): Well, that sounds like a fool proof thing, right? You just... there's no risk. Lauren Zander (46:41): It's just my thing, if you don't love us, don't have us, I don't want your money. I only want money that people want to pay because they're happy to do it, so that's one thing. And the other thing is that we have found that inner U just listening to it... like hit the audit button, I'm promising to do no homework and just white wash my... do the wash over. Even the work white sounds bad now. Sorry, I'm like, white washing. No. Anyway, joke. Just listening to it is profound and makes changes immediately versus how much... like twice as much success if you actually do the work, but people, if you just want to listen and audit, you keep it for life. You can come to all our classes. You can... Even if you just want people telling the truth and you want to hear what everybody's doing to face all their fears, we're that gang. Dr. Mark Hyman (47:44): That's amazing. Well, anybody who's interested can go to website, handelgroupl.com/markhyman, that's me, handelgroup.com.markhyman. They can get 50% off, which is $325 using hyman75, it's a special coupon for our podcast listener, hyman75. Lauren Zander (48:06): May you have a click Mark. Dr. Mark Hyman (48:08): Yes, please. And it's an incredible offer. I mean, you get lifetime access. You get 12 audio coaching sessions from Lauren Zander herself. One free private coaching session with a Handel coach. Access to- Lauren Zander (48:21): Did you hear that people? Dr. Mark Hyman (48:23): That's right. Access to inner university and the six week coaching bootcamp with Handel Group coach, 14 homework assignments, the interactive promise tracker to make sure you're accountable, and track your promises and consequences. It's an incredible program and honestly, without Lauren in my life, I think I would be successful but very unhappy, and also probably not so healthy. So I'm so grateful to her and the work of the Handel Group and encourage you to get started with your hyman75 coupon at handelgroup.com/markhyman, and I'm just so excited for you to learn more and get the benefit that I have, because I've never been happier in my life, regardless what's happening on the outside. And that's the point, right? Lauren Zander (49:08): I wish that for everyone, because it really makes everything else that you want to deal with in the world more possible because you're connected too, you're doing to for the world. And that is an act of love. Dr. Mark Hyman (49:20): Well, thank you for all the love- Lauren Zander (49:24): [crosstalk 00:49:24] act of- Dr. Mark Hyman (49:24): ... you give Lauren. Thank you for all the love you give to me, to all the people in the world, to humanity. What functional medicine is for the body, this is for the soul and the mind. So I would highly encourage you to check it out. If you love this podcast, please share with your friends and family on social media, leave a comment we'd love to hear from you, tell us how you do with the course, and subscribe wherever you get your podcast, and we'll see you next time on the Doctor's Farmacy.